WASHINGTON, DC. In an unforeseen and bold move by hinge-operated objects everywhere, gates across the United States have staged a massive protest in response to alleged misrepresentation in hundreds of scandals across the world.
“This is a load of bullshit,” said Faux-Iron Gate, a tacky knock-off of 1500’s artistry using 21st century materials. “What the hell did we ever do to anyone? Ever since that guy with the flapping jowls did that ‘V for Victory’ shit and tried to steal the country, or something, we’ve been getting a bad rap. We’re tired of it.”
The statistics are alarming. Since the 1970s, there have been nearly a hundred cases of scandals that have used gates as their mascots. From a gallop poll conducted in 35 states, we discovered that exactly zero gates had ever been consulted in the use of their name as a representation of deplorable politics, racism, sexism, or chocolate bars.
“Just because we can’t keep out the squirrels all the time, people think they can walk all over us. Or through us,” said Tasteful Home Garden Gate. “I can’t speak for other gates, but I never advocated sleeping with anyone to gain anything. And I certainly don’t play video games. Ain’t nobody got time for that.”
Weighing in on the situation, the Door Anti-Defamation League (DADL) has stepped in, giving solid evidence for what some politicians have dismissed as a “concern without merit” and “an open and shut case.”
“It’s really a grave injustice,” Mark Smithers, DADL spokesman said. “While the articles of the DADL don’t specifically call out gates as real ‘doors,’ our organization has decided that it’s time to value solidarity over semantics. We will be filing a lawsuit on their behalf against everyone in the world who has ever used or thought of using the term ‘gate’ to personify a scandal.”
“Those racist assholes,” said Ineffective Gate with Broken Lock, “they always pull that ‘not really doors’ shit.”
Outraged Twitter users have rallied to the cause with the hashtag #GateGate, which the DADL has ruled as “not at all ironic.”